Dear Splendid Advice,
While in the shower, I discovered a small lump on my left testicle. My girlfriend tells me I should go to the doctor, but I'm scared of what I may find out. What should I do?
-Scared and Confused
Dear Scared and Confused,
What you are experiencing is the first sign of asexual reproduction.
In a few short weeks, you will pass the cluster of cells forming on your left testicle in your urine. This will hurt like a bastard, but you will appreciate the result in the end. There is no greater joy than being a father, especially once your malformed offspring climbs out of the sewer, thirsting for revenge.
The key is to pass the blame on to those you'd like to see suffer, as testicle children are extremely powerful.
We advise you not to see a doctor, as they are likely to tell you that you have testicular cancer and recommend surgery. This is a ruse for them to steal your testicle child and raise it as their own.
In fact, you may wish to keep your child as a secret to even your girlfriend, as she may be a government agent. If she asks about the lump, play it off as a practical joke. Keep an eye out for men in dark cars, and check your house daily for wire taps and surveillance bugs.
Viva la resistance!
Best of luck,
Lee and Karlski.
PS. - sorry about your balls, dude.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Iguana be your man
Dear Lee and Karlski,
I am living in a state with my fiance that isn't the state I grew up in. I am on the west coast now and used to live in the midwest. After living out here for about a year, I have been getting terribly homesick lately and miss all of my family and friends. My fiance told me he would move back with me, I just don't know how we would do it. Would we have to move out there and stay with someone until we both found jobs/ an apartment ect? We also have a 6 foot long iguana who would not make a good house guest has we don't have a cage or anything, he just kind of lives in our closet.
~Noms
Dearest Noms,
While we sympathize with your plight, we couldn't help but notice that you mentioned this other person is your fiance. From our rudimentary knowledge of terms, we suppose this to mean that you are in fact female.
While we have some absolutely perfect advice for you that will surely rectify your entire situation, we do need to tailor it to your specific measurements. Some full-colour, high-definition photographs of your unclothed torso would be exactly what we need to really fine-tune our recommendations.
We will then feed the image into our state-of-the-art program that can give 99% accurate advice based on spectral imaging, pixel shading, and boner size.
As to your iguana, we honestly can't think of a situation in which owning a six-foot iguana would be considered a bad thing.
Perhaps you need to spend a little more personal time with this lizard, get to be more comfortable and accepting of it. It may seem, at first, to be far too big for you. But over time, you, and your housemates, will grow accustomed to it. Someday, you may even love it as a friend.
This process may be accelerated if you share accommodation with a group of other females who can enjoy the company of this massive iguana together. In fact, we own a pair of six-foot iguanas ourselves. We are immensely proud of them and show them to all and sundry on a regular basis. If you'd like some practice, we'd be glad to volunteer our pets for a roleplaying session or two.
-Lee and Karlski
I am living in a state with my fiance that isn't the state I grew up in. I am on the west coast now and used to live in the midwest. After living out here for about a year, I have been getting terribly homesick lately and miss all of my family and friends. My fiance told me he would move back with me, I just don't know how we would do it. Would we have to move out there and stay with someone until we both found jobs/ an apartment ect? We also have a 6 foot long iguana who would not make a good house guest has we don't have a cage or anything, he just kind of lives in our closet.
~Noms
Dearest Noms,
While we sympathize with your plight, we couldn't help but notice that you mentioned this other person is your fiance. From our rudimentary knowledge of terms, we suppose this to mean that you are in fact female.
While we have some absolutely perfect advice for you that will surely rectify your entire situation, we do need to tailor it to your specific measurements. Some full-colour, high-definition photographs of your unclothed torso would be exactly what we need to really fine-tune our recommendations.
We will then feed the image into our state-of-the-art program that can give 99% accurate advice based on spectral imaging, pixel shading, and boner size.
As to your iguana, we honestly can't think of a situation in which owning a six-foot iguana would be considered a bad thing.
Perhaps you need to spend a little more personal time with this lizard, get to be more comfortable and accepting of it. It may seem, at first, to be far too big for you. But over time, you, and your housemates, will grow accustomed to it. Someday, you may even love it as a friend.
This process may be accelerated if you share accommodation with a group of other females who can enjoy the company of this massive iguana together. In fact, we own a pair of six-foot iguanas ourselves. We are immensely proud of them and show them to all and sundry on a regular basis. If you'd like some practice, we'd be glad to volunteer our pets for a roleplaying session or two.
-Lee and Karlski
Make sure you finish after her.
Dear SplendidAdvice,
There is a girl I like at school named Kim. She is pretty and nice, but unfortunately she already has a boyfriend (he's a total jerk.) I'm thinking of becoming her friend and slowly convincing her to be with me and not him. Can you give me some pointers for doing this?
Sincerely,
- A Nice Guy
Dear Nice Guy,
We've given this much deliberation, and we think that the best way for you to handle this is to slavishly devote yourself to this girl. Follow her around whenever possible. Do every little task for her. When she's not watching, stare at her with puppy dog eyes.
Be sure to make her think that you're not trying to get between her and her boyfriend, who will likely be very large and probably violent.
Buy things for her on a regular basis. Help her move furniture. If ever you are out at a movie or a restaurant, pay for her. Ideally she should come to expect that you will do everything for her. At some point after that, make your fumbling move. Don't forget the most important part: be sure to fly into a rage and bad-mouth her all across the internet when she rejects your eventual romantic advances and says she prefers you as a friend.
Incidentally, if you're really keen to attract some female attention, you should consider putting down the family-size block of chocolate and getting some exercise, barge-arse.
- Lee and Karlski.
There is a girl I like at school named Kim. She is pretty and nice, but unfortunately she already has a boyfriend (he's a total jerk.) I'm thinking of becoming her friend and slowly convincing her to be with me and not him. Can you give me some pointers for doing this?
Sincerely,
- A Nice Guy
Dear Nice Guy,
We've given this much deliberation, and we think that the best way for you to handle this is to slavishly devote yourself to this girl. Follow her around whenever possible. Do every little task for her. When she's not watching, stare at her with puppy dog eyes.
Be sure to make her think that you're not trying to get between her and her boyfriend, who will likely be very large and probably violent.
Buy things for her on a regular basis. Help her move furniture. If ever you are out at a movie or a restaurant, pay for her. Ideally she should come to expect that you will do everything for her. At some point after that, make your fumbling move. Don't forget the most important part: be sure to fly into a rage and bad-mouth her all across the internet when she rejects your eventual romantic advances and says she prefers you as a friend.
Incidentally, if you're really keen to attract some female attention, you should consider putting down the family-size block of chocolate and getting some exercise, barge-arse.
- Lee and Karlski.
Selfishness and houseguests
Dear Lee and Karlski,
I've had the displeasure recently of having to endure the company of guests who just didn't get the hint that they had outstayed their welcome. Not only did they stay far longer then they should of, but the leader of this ragtag group then proceeded to drink MY BEERS (without asking), and order pizza to MY PLACE of residence and conveniently disappeared before paying for the pizza. This cheeky sonuvabitch however returned just as the pizza delivery boy was leaving and still has not repaid the debt. I would like to avoid these situations in the future and I was wondering do you know of any subtle ways in which to get rid of unwelcome guests who've far outstayed their welcome or ways in which to be able to tell them to fuck off without saying fuck off? I was thinking a salad fork in the eye might get the message across, but worry this might earn me some jail time which I would like to avoid. What is your advice?
Regards
Furious Angel
Dear Furious Angel,
It seems that your problem is that you are too poor to have friends.
If you had a proper income, say akin to that of the expensive ladies of the night we encounter, then you would be able to properly feed your dinner guests. Forcing your guests to order and obtain their own food is simply the height of poor manners.
Do you expect them to drive their own hovercars to your house, too?
Perhaps, rather than blaming others for your own shortcomings, you should find ways to improve yourself and, by extension, the lives of those around you. Start with bathing.
- Lee and Karlski.
PS. - Lose some weight, fatty.
I've had the displeasure recently of having to endure the company of guests who just didn't get the hint that they had outstayed their welcome. Not only did they stay far longer then they should of, but the leader of this ragtag group then proceeded to drink MY BEERS (without asking), and order pizza to MY PLACE of residence and conveniently disappeared before paying for the pizza. This cheeky sonuvabitch however returned just as the pizza delivery boy was leaving and still has not repaid the debt. I would like to avoid these situations in the future and I was wondering do you know of any subtle ways in which to get rid of unwelcome guests who've far outstayed their welcome or ways in which to be able to tell them to fuck off without saying fuck off? I was thinking a salad fork in the eye might get the message across, but worry this might earn me some jail time which I would like to avoid. What is your advice?
Regards
Furious Angel
Dear Furious Angel,
It seems that your problem is that you are too poor to have friends.
If you had a proper income, say akin to that of the expensive ladies of the night we encounter, then you would be able to properly feed your dinner guests. Forcing your guests to order and obtain their own food is simply the height of poor manners.
Do you expect them to drive their own hovercars to your house, too?
Perhaps, rather than blaming others for your own shortcomings, you should find ways to improve yourself and, by extension, the lives of those around you. Start with bathing.
- Lee and Karlski.
PS. - Lose some weight, fatty.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Hope this helps
Dear Splendid Advice,
I am extremely overweight and this causes me to have incredibly low self esteem. What are some ways I can start feeling good about myself and my appearance even though I am so unbelievably, enormously fat?
Thanks in Advance!!! - Corpulent in Corpus Christi
Dear Corpulent,
There are none.
-Lee and Karlski
I am extremely overweight and this causes me to have incredibly low self esteem. What are some ways I can start feeling good about myself and my appearance even though I am so unbelievably, enormously fat?
Thanks in Advance!!! - Corpulent in Corpus Christi
Dear Corpulent,
There are none.
-Lee and Karlski
We're not guidance counselors for a reason
Dear Splendid Advice,
I need to write a personal essay for my application to higher studies. What's the best way to highlight my academic history and aspirations? Without sounding all gay I mean.
Many thanks,
-A Degree Makes Me a Better Person
Dear Better Person,
You don't need to write an essay to get into community college, so start there. The only reason we suggest this is because fuck essays.
Seriously, why would you want to go somewhere that makes you write essays, when it's quite clear that - even if you manage to graduate - you'll only end up working minimum wage anyway.
Besides, it's clear from your question that you lack the ambition and drive it takes to succeed in higher levels of academia. Might we suggest farming gold in World of Warcraft instead?
- Lee and Karlski
I need to write a personal essay for my application to higher studies. What's the best way to highlight my academic history and aspirations? Without sounding all gay I mean.
Many thanks,
-A Degree Makes Me a Better Person
Dear Better Person,
You don't need to write an essay to get into community college, so start there. The only reason we suggest this is because fuck essays.
Seriously, why would you want to go somewhere that makes you write essays, when it's quite clear that - even if you manage to graduate - you'll only end up working minimum wage anyway.
Besides, it's clear from your question that you lack the ambition and drive it takes to succeed in higher levels of academia. Might we suggest farming gold in World of Warcraft instead?
- Lee and Karlski
Serious cookery recommendation; but not very funny.
Dear Lee and Karlski,
What's the best way to make scrambled eggs?
Love,
Egg-cited in Estonia
Dear Egg-cited,
The best way to make scrambled eggs is to first break the eggs into a decent-sized mixing bowl, then mix them vigorously with a fork, egg whisk or, if you must, your penis. Once the mixture is suitably frothy, mix in some finely-sliced smoked salmon and chives. Pour that mixture into your frypan, and possibly add some bacon (I advise against the bacon; the overpowering flavour will drown out the delicate deliciousness of the smoked salmon). Make sure your eggs do not stick to the pan. Serve on wholegrain toast with full-fat butter.
- Karlski.
What's the best way to make scrambled eggs?
Love,
Egg-cited in Estonia
Dear Egg-cited,
The best way to make scrambled eggs is to first break the eggs into a decent-sized mixing bowl, then mix them vigorously with a fork, egg whisk or, if you must, your penis. Once the mixture is suitably frothy, mix in some finely-sliced smoked salmon and chives. Pour that mixture into your frypan, and possibly add some bacon (I advise against the bacon; the overpowering flavour will drown out the delicate deliciousness of the smoked salmon). Make sure your eggs do not stick to the pan. Serve on wholegrain toast with full-fat butter.
- Karlski.
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