Dear Splendid Advice,
While in the shower, I discovered a small lump on my left testicle. My girlfriend tells me I should go to the doctor, but I'm scared of what I may find out. What should I do?
-Scared and Confused
Dear Scared and Confused,
What you are experiencing is the first sign of asexual reproduction.
In a few short weeks, you will pass the cluster of cells forming on your left testicle in your urine. This will hurt like a bastard, but you will appreciate the result in the end. There is no greater joy than being a father, especially once your malformed offspring climbs out of the sewer, thirsting for revenge.
The key is to pass the blame on to those you'd like to see suffer, as testicle children are extremely powerful.
We advise you not to see a doctor, as they are likely to tell you that you have testicular cancer and recommend surgery. This is a ruse for them to steal your testicle child and raise it as their own.
In fact, you may wish to keep your child as a secret to even your girlfriend, as she may be a government agent. If she asks about the lump, play it off as a practical joke. Keep an eye out for men in dark cars, and check your house daily for wire taps and surveillance bugs.
Viva la resistance!
Best of luck,
Lee and Karlski.
PS. - sorry about your balls, dude.
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