Selfishness and houseguests

Dear Lee and Karlski,

I've had the displeasure recently of having to endure the company of guests who just didn't get the hint that they had outstayed their welcome. Not only did they stay far longer then they should of, but the leader of this ragtag group then proceeded to drink MY BEERS (without asking), and order pizza to MY PLACE of residence and conveniently disappeared before paying for the pizza. This cheeky sonuvabitch however returned just as the pizza delivery boy was leaving and still has not repaid the debt. I would like to avoid these situations in the future and I was wondering do you know of any subtle ways in which to get rid of unwelcome guests who've far outstayed their welcome or ways in which to be able to tell them to fuck off without saying fuck off? I was thinking a salad fork in the eye might get the message across, but worry this might earn me some jail time which I would like to avoid. What is your advice?

Regards
Furious Angel

Dear Furious Angel,

It seems that your problem is that you are too poor to have friends.

If you had a proper income, say akin to that of the expensive ladies of the night we encounter, then you would be able to properly feed your dinner guests. Forcing your guests to order and obtain their own food is simply the height of poor manners.

Do you expect them to drive their own hovercars to your house, too?

Perhaps, rather than blaming others for your own shortcomings, you should find ways to improve yourself and, by extension, the lives of those around you. Start with bathing.

- Lee and Karlski.

PS. - Lose some weight, fatty.