Make sure you finish after her.

Dear SplendidAdvice,

There is a girl I like at school named Kim. She is pretty and nice, but unfortunately she already has a boyfriend (he's a total jerk.) I'm thinking of becoming her friend and slowly convincing her to be with me and not him. Can you give me some pointers for doing this?

Sincerely,

- A Nice Guy

Dear Nice Guy,

We've given this much deliberation, and we think that the best way for you to handle this is to slavishly devote yourself to this girl. Follow her around whenever possible. Do every little task for her. When she's not watching, stare at her with puppy dog eyes.

Be sure to make her think that you're not trying to get between her and her boyfriend, who will likely be very large and probably violent.

Buy things for her on a regular basis. Help her move furniture. If ever you are out at a movie or a restaurant, pay for her. Ideally she should come to expect that you will do everything for her. At some point after that, make your fumbling move. Don't forget the most important part: be sure to fly into a rage and bad-mouth her all across the internet when she rejects your eventual romantic advances and says she prefers you as a friend.

Incidentally, if you're really keen to attract some female attention, you should consider putting down the family-size block of chocolate and getting some exercise, barge-arse.

- Lee and Karlski.