Iguana be your man

Dear Lee and Karlski,

I am living in a state with my fiance that isn't the state I grew up in. I am on the west coast now and used to live in the midwest. After living out here for about a year, I have been getting terribly homesick lately and miss all of my family and friends. My fiance told me he would move back with me, I just don't know how we would do it. Would we have to move out there and stay with someone until we both found jobs/ an apartment ect? We also have a 6 foot long iguana who would not make a good house guest has we don't have a cage or anything, he just kind of lives in our closet.

~Noms

Dearest Noms,

While we sympathize with your plight, we couldn't help but notice that you mentioned this other person is your fiance. From our rudimentary knowledge of terms, we suppose this to mean that you are in fact female.

While we have some absolutely perfect advice for you that will surely rectify your entire situation, we do need to tailor it to your specific measurements. Some full-colour, high-definition photographs of your unclothed torso would be exactly what we need to really fine-tune our recommendations.

We will then feed the image into our state-of-the-art program that can give 99% accurate advice based on spectral imaging, pixel shading, and boner size.

As to your iguana, we honestly can't think of a situation in which owning a six-foot iguana would be considered a bad thing.

Perhaps you need to spend a little more personal time with this lizard, get to be more comfortable and accepting of it. It may seem, at first, to be far too big for you. But over time, you, and your housemates, will grow accustomed to it. Someday, you may even love it as a friend.

This process may be accelerated if you share accommodation with a group of other females who can enjoy the company of this massive iguana together. In fact, we own a pair of six-foot iguanas ourselves. We are immensely proud of them and show them to all and sundry on a regular basis. If you'd like some practice, we'd be glad to volunteer our pets for a roleplaying session or two.

-Lee and Karlski