In which insinuations are made about the question asker

Dear Splendidadvice,

I have a deep internal personal and moral conflict. There is a body on my kitchen floor and it is too heavy to lift. Please help!

Signed,
Dank Kitchen in Illinois

Dear DK,

It is apparent to me that this is a cry for help. The reason you are unable to get off the kitchen floor is because you ate yourself stupid, you fatty fat fat. I'm just amazed that you were able to get so fat and are still able to type on what I'm assuming is a laptop keyboard, unless you were so amazingly fat before this happened that you have a refrigerator-adjacent desktop computer. My advice? Well, as long as you're stuck, you might as well be productive. See how many World of Warcraft accounts you can manage with those Johnsonville Bratwursts you call fingers, and see if you can't raise enough money farming gold to afford lipo.

-Lee